2005-04-28 - 1:44 p.m.
Report of the better band
It was all so quiet on this late northern night near the centre of the universe to some but not to the majority about two o'clock to be precise give or take a few hours. You could hear mice squeaking in the next house par three, like a dogs squeeze ball before it's been chewed, ripped, destroyed by an animal which is your deity in reverse. Do you now understand what could happen to us all? The stairs creaked if you bounced a golf ball down them even though they are made of stone. The flag waved in the whole of Dave's garden, at half-mast as if it were a memorial to a life that was once dull. Cigarette smoke burnt the roof of the carry cart, though they were outside Dave's house eating clubs of the orange variety to put some healthy fruit back into our diet consisting of chip fat and marmalade. My lady friend ran around this house in sweet silky smart PJs, with hair of sweet smelling tropical suburban Malibu, and a mind awash with thoughts of chocolate and juice and infidelity.
I sat up from my armchair, slowly but surely, sipped my brandy, and stubbed the cigarette out of my holder. To be greeted by a cat known to me as Del/Libby/Rodney/Jade/Mel delete as appropriate. A devious little cat with many alias' a different one to each lady friend of his. This made me quite jealous as this kind of thing usually does the fact that it's a devious little cat has nothing to with it but I could walk on hind legs and use my hands this made him quite jealous of me as this kind of thing would. We both made enemies of each other that evening. You know the kind of thing dirty looks throughout the night, slight knocks to each other in a threatening manner, insulting each other behind each other’s backs. I will always lose of course I always do, my lady friend will become his lady friend and I'll be wandering the high streets of this town all alone once again, maybe to be greeted by more lady friends and to lose them to a devious little cat.
You could see it in his eyes he was now trying it on with my lady friend. This made me furious as this kind of thing usually does. The fact that it's a devious little cat had nothing to do with it but I could love her, hug her and hold her this made him furious of me as this kind of thing would and we both made enemies of each other that night. I was having none of it. So I scared it into the Pantry. The pantry is a wonderful place full of shelving and food, the occasional pot of herbs with hideous names and funny smells; this was where I became very hungry. So my lady friend insisted in making chocolate pizza and juice but all Dave had was ham and pineapple but I decided to eat it, as it would put fruit and fibre back into our diets of chips and marmalade fat. So I opened up the pineapple, which was very big for some reason probably because it was left to grow that big, I stuffed in the joint of ham and shoved it into the cooker. As that cooked I went outside for another smoke. I noticed through the crack of my eye and the corner of the door that the devious little cat was side stepping away like a furry crab. I threw a golf ball. It slid down the hard shell and bounced down the stone stairways making them creak all the way. The devious little cat was unfazed so I decided to blow smoke over it. Then it sat and nodded its head to a silent beat and with a happy grin upon his face it puffed out a little smoke of his own. Which set off the fire alarms, a high pitched noise screamed through the neighbourhood that only dogs could hear and where attracted to. The animals were here in a flash of Heath's roll-up being lit and mine being put out the noise stopped. The dogs disappeared. I hugged my lady friend. Heath took a drag and offered him a smoke. Rob was getting his running shoes on and the devious little cat went to sleep.
Can you yet see what could happen to us all?
And all he wanted was the smell of my smoke.
He had wonderful dreams of long plains of icy grass, hairy faces, flashing lights across the sky, half eaten worms, young men running around, hidden corners, sleeping beauty and her male friend, as my lady friend pleasantly stroked him. It was then I realised I had lost to this devious little cat once again. So I decided to take an early start to my wandering the streets all alone.
It was bitterly cold and I needed a good can of lager to warm me up. So I travelled to every off licence/pub/supermarket delete as appropriate in search of the holy ale but to no avail.
Heath could fly, or was it a bird, no it was Heath, for he fell down the outside stairs, these stairs ate small worms, swallowed them whole which bite the stairs first of course. Its a stair eat worm world out there. Which will all come to a climatic end one day, which will astound and amaze even the sceptical of you. With the wind dragging him, in his big coat across Town, he was sighted by many alcoholics reeling onto the streets as their lady friends threw them out in favour of a devious little cat. His cigarette was still lit, and there where many reports of UfO sightings across the globe, but they had nothing to do with Heath.
Good health to all men, who drank, smoked and ate pizza.
I also met some new lady friends but I was quickly replaced by a devious little cat.
Oh I hate that devious little cat.
I even asked a couple of drunk teenagers whom were still roaming the streets they were all in a mood because they all dumped by their lady friends that night in favour of a devious little cat. So I decided to join them for a small alcoholic beverage. But all they had left in their pockets were an empty bottle of vodka, a piece of string (don't ask me what for), a small pocketknife and a golf ball. Which he immediately threw at a devious little cat. Which appeared round the corner, it missed and bounced down Dave's stairs. It creaked all the way but that doesn't matter right now the devious little cat was not in the house. I raced back to see my lady friend, over the fence, through the hedge, open the gate and dived into the house. To see my lady friend crying for me because I had disappeared.
Oh I love her.
Rob and Heath played tig in the garden, as my lady friend and I lay down to sleep. She had to be up early in the morning. She needed chocolate juice and as it was already morning, technically so she was confused what to do. She needed some outside help but as it was a very early northern morning it was too cold. So she didn't bother and lay next to me once again. They got lost playing hide and seek so they had to improvise and play British Bulldogs they ended up at the south pole of Dave's garden and Robs beard kept them both warm from the bitter Antarctic winds.
Who knows where Dave was, rumours have it he was in the corner of the room playing with time.
Rob and heath were found, eventually, by torchlight, of an old roll up and the stench of toilet humour.
Was it a dream or has he seen it all before time after time in a past life or in this repetitive one who knows he's only a cat.
After that it was all so quiet, you could hear mice squeaking in the next house par three...................
Did you see what became of us all?
Chad Stubbs – Kjellkirk Productions – 1999 – MIM – nineteen-ninety-nine
